The four sins of bad listeners 15 April, 2009 By Joe Takash

Just because it happens, however, doesnt mean you have to make it a habit. Be vigilant for poor listening. That means questioning yourself regularly about whether youre paying attention with your whole being. Most of us listen at about 25% capacity, even when were managing up. You would think that we would be all ears when our boss is telling us something, but that often isnt the case. We know we can get by if we listen with one part of our mind while the other parts are thinking about whether a deadline can be met, if an email response arrived yet and what we might have for dinner.

To help you monitor your listening, keep these following four sins in mind:

1. Interrupting. "I really am not interested in paying attention to what you have to say which is why Im not allowing you to finish your sentence and telling you what I think instead--obviously what I have to say is more important than what youre saying."

I know. You dont mean to communicate this idea to a client or supervisor when you interrupt. Nonetheless, thats the message youre sending. The problem is that we think we have good reasons to interrupt. Think back to a recent instance when you interrupted someone at work. Did you do so because:

The other person said something that energized you and you just couldnt wait to contribute your idea.

You disagreed with the other person and were so angry or disturbed by his position that you felt compelled to state your own.

You felt the other person was being long-winded and you were too impatient to allow her to finish.

None of these are good reasons to interrupt. Whatever you gain by getting your two cents in prematurely, you lose from a relationship perspective. You may be making the greatest point in the world, but the odds are your relationship partner resents your interruption even if he appreciates your idea.

2. Finishing the other persons sentences.

This may seem like harmless enough behavior, but it conveys another message that hurts relationships: "I know how to complete your thoughts better than you do." Im sure that most of you who commit this sin do so with good intent. You think youre showing your boss that youre on the same wavelength, that you think alike. Or youre demonstrating to a client that you not only meet his needs but anticipate them.

Even if youre anticipating correctly what another person has to say, they probably wont like it. In fact, finishing a sentence is even worse than interrupting. Its one thing to stop someone from speaking. Its something else to speak for him.

Think about your tendencies to jump in and complete peoples sentences. Next time you do it, watch the other person carefully. They may not say anything, but see if their eyes or body language reveal their true feelings. Do you see a slight grimace? Does the persons eyes narrow or glare? Once you witness a negative reaction, youre less likely to make the same mistake.

3. Lying or faking it when you havent been paying attention.

For whatever reason, youre distracted. Your attention wanders and you miss everything someone is telling you. Rather than admit you didnt get everything, you attempt to fake it. You nod your head. When the other person asks if you agree with him, you say yes. You remember one thing your relationship partner said and focus on that issue to demonstrate you were paying attention.

You may think you got away with it, but youre probably wrong. Other people simply dont like confronting you when youre not listening. They may not call you on it, but they know your mind was somewhere else. When youre really listening, people know it. Youve probably experienced the reverse situation yourself. You were talking to a business colleague or a friend and you could "feel" he wasnt fully engaged. He may have been nodding and looking right at you, but you could sense he was distracted.

Remind yourself that other people can sense if youre not listening, so dont fake it. Force yourself to be honest and admit you didnt catch everything that was said. Request that he repeat it. Ask for clarification or elaboration. In this way, youre being honest rather than deceitful--and deceit kills results-producing relationships fast.

4. Rehearse your agenda while the other person is talking.

Doesnt everyone do this, especially when managing up? Isnt it natural to think about how youre going to phrase you request for a raise or a transfer to a new as the other person is talking?

Ideally, youll do your "rehearsing" before you meet with someone. Of course, you have to think about what youre going to say in response to what your relationship partner is telling you. The problem is when you concentrate on what youre going to request or propose to the point that youre disconnected from the conversation.

The best way to avoid this disconnection is by rehearsing prior to the performance. Know what youre going to say before you meet. In this way, youll free yourself from having to figure out what youre going to say on the fly. The easier you make it to concentrate on the other person, the more likely youll be perceived as a good listener.

Joe Takash is the author of the newly released Results Through Relationships: Building Trust, Performance and Profit Through People, as well as a sought-after media resource and keynote speaker. As the founder of performance management firm Victory Consulting, Joe has worked with clients like American Express, Prudential, Century 21 and General Motors. Takash has also been featured in Investors Business Daily, Entrepreneur, Selling Power, Crain's New York The Chicago Tribune, Career Builder, Businessweek.com and MSNBC.com.

Results Through Relationships can be purchased at www.amazon.com, www.barnesandnoble.com and ordered through any major bookseller.

Website: www.JoeTakash.com